Being a Better Bride.

My secret 2008 New Year's resolution (which I suppose is not a secret anymore)is to "be better bride". This translates to four main areas that I want to improve before the wedding:

1.) Spend like a bride. I put a little photo of a bride in my wallet and I am keeping it there so that it reminds me that I have something big to save for whenever I spend. Also, all the money I spend on "fun" purchases (dinner, clothing, etc.)I want to match in the wedding savings. So it's like this: "$20 on a Forever 21 top? Ok, but it's really costing me $40, because I have to match it in the wedding fund." My goal is to put not a CENT of this wedding on any type of credit card, and Matt and I can totally do that if we want too.

2.) Look like a bride: To eat better, drink less (sad face) and work out more, so that my body makes me happy. Also, to get my hair trimmed, to wear sunscreen everyday, and to try and sleep more so that I look great next year. I am already failing at this, but baby steps. I know this is the hard one.

3.) FEEL like a bride. This is the big one, but the one that will come easiest to me if I change the simplest things. I need to feel like someone who is about to recieve a Sacrement. I need to feel like someone who is in touch with her religon again, and who is about to reaffirm her Faith in front of everyone she loves. I need to be open to God and accept him into my life again the way I used to. I need to stop letting politics and everything else unimportant block my heart from the way I feel about Christ and God, and all those things that I get embaressed to say in front of people. I feel like my marriage, like all things, will be much more successful with God's blessing and involvement, and I don't feel worthy of it right now. I am not doing enough to help other people. I am not even praying. I am living this totally self-centered life. It's sad, honestly. But I know how to fix it! I am going to start volunteering at my church's soup kitchen like I've been meaning to do forever, and once I am actually doing what Jesus WANTS ME TO DO AND IS ALL ABOUT, I know I'll feel closer to him. Plus, I'll be doing something within my church community, which can only be good. It's hard to find a time to pray when I barely have time to think, but I think I just have to get up earlier, go to the gym, get home, pray, and then go to work. The time to sit and think before my day can only be good for me. So that's my plan.

4.) Think like a bride. I need to do some planning. I am avoiding it, the way I avoid making many decisions (um, hello, still don't know who I am voting for), which I know is insecurity. That's kid stuff. I am supposed to be happy about this, it's supposed to fill me with joy and excitement, which it DID at first. Then I had a few bumps in the road, and I saw the costs of things, and Matt told me that I was buying too many bride magazines, and I guess I just... turned it off? I stopped thinking about it for awhile because it brought up a little anxiety. I didn't want to bore my friends with it. I didn't want people to think I was a "BRIDEZILLA". I just wanted all the planning and the wedding done. How depressing! This is SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.
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Basically, It's hard to have a forced long engagement. I hate it. It's hard to get excited about something so far in the future, esp. when people around you are bored with it already. Meghan is the absolute best, and always asks me about it and buys me magazines and has ideas, and doesn't make me feel badly for being excited aout my wedding and wanting to talk about it. Not to imply that anyone else makes me feel badly, they don't, but Megahn just gives me extra attention and I like it. My sisters and mother have been great too, always sending me e-mails about things they've seen and stuff. So I have an army of attendants to help me turn this thing around and get me going.

It's also hard because I can't really plan anything until I have a set date, and I can't set a date in stone until Matt is cleared by the church. Ug! So I'm dealing with that too. I suppose if I work on these other things, It'll be OK if I wait to book a photographer and such until May or something, a year away. I just have to cross my fingers that it'll happen by May. Hope hope hope.